April 18, 2011

I'd Avoid the Shelled Nuts at CBP...

Who doesn't love peanuts at a ballgame? There's nothing better than cracking shells and watching them blow into your neighbors face while watching baseball (unless I'm your neighbor. Then you're a jerk)! If you're at Citizens Bank Park, chances are you're purchasing said peanuts from a lovely older lady whose "PEAAAANUTTTTS!" chant sounds suspiciously like she's saying "PENIS." For those of you who share the same 12 year old's sense of humor that I have, she's always worth a giggle. But as strange as it sounds, peanut lady pales in comparison to the new nut salesman on the block: Pistachio Girl!


CNBC recently reported that Pistachios are quickly becoming the nut of choice for baseball fans. $35Million dollars has been spent on Pistachio related advertising campaigns since 2009. Eleven ballparks have taken to selling this alternative shelled nut, but I can't imagine that any of them have as "colorful" of a saleswoman as Citizens Bank Park. To say that the Pistachio girl is completely "bat-shit crazy" would be an insult to the feces of flying mammals. Creepy and disturbing would be much more appropriate adjectives. Twitter has been abuzz with stories of her off duty antics for the past few weeks and I've tracked down dozens of links, but by no means is my information written in stone. Apparently she is a local college student who is an artist of sorts. I'm not talking "artist" like comics books and podcasts. I'm talking "artist" as murals made of sheep's blood and death metal.

Now, don't get me wrong... there is clearly a faction of people that enjoy this sort of lifestyle. I even commend CBP and the Phillies for being an equal opportunity employer in that regard. Quite frankly, walking up and down stairs for 3 hours 81 games a year plus playoffs isn't a job for the weak. But do you want to buy your nuts from this interviewee? I can't pretend at all to understand the appeal in any of this, but to each their own I guess. I'm told that in order to properly understand the experience, huffing gold spray paint out of a paper bag is required. I don't plan on doing that so for now I'm going to have to assume that those $6.00 Wonderful Pistachios are probably laced with arsenic for her amusement and avoid them like the plague. I'll be sticking to sunflower seeds...

In "not at all crazy ballpark vendor" news, Bill "The Beerman" will be serving up ice cold Bud and Bud Lite products to those in anyone of age in the right field section of CBP via Twitter. Considering fans spend most of the game on their blackberries/iPhones anyway, why not! Check him out @philsbeerman and if you're in 101-107/201-211/301-310 send him your section, row, and seat and you'll never have to get up!
Posted by Pat Adair at 12:34 PM
Tags: , ,

19 comments:

  1. whodoesheplayforApril 18, 2011 at 11:08 PM

    Putting aside the fact that everything is so goddamn expensive, I steer clear of the vendors. Most of them are not what I want to see serving food.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousMay 4, 2011 at 5:25 PM

    Emily Pukis 4ever@ She is amazing! buy the pistachios asshole!

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousMay 4, 2011 at 5:33 PM

    EMILY PUKIZ AND THE VAGRANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousMay 4, 2011 at 5:42 PM

    The world needs more Emily and less everything else.

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  5. AnonymousMay 4, 2011 at 5:47 PM

    is baseball so boring you have to talk crap on the girl who sells pistachios? this is lame. who cares?

    ReplyDelete
  6. vomitgorlMay 4, 2011 at 5:52 PM

    You don't deserve her giant nuts in your slimey little mouth.
    Bedwetter!

    ReplyDelete
  7. FB Pistachio FanMay 4, 2011 at 6:01 PM

    Blah blah blah - she is awkwardly awesome. Our whole section cheers her on ever time she starts her yelling. Oh, and here's a shameless plug for the Facebook fan page you referenced :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousMay 4, 2011 at 6:02 PM

    EMILY RULES!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Pat AdairMay 4, 2011 at 6:37 PM

    My apologies to pistachio fans. I thought my "to each their own" undertones were a little more obvious.

    But hey, thanks for the site traffic!

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousMay 4, 2011 at 7:21 PM

    Pistachio Girl is a hero to the masses. Who doesn't want a little flavor to their game? Everybody has a little freak in em' just depends on how obvious you are. And ya have to admit, girl's got a set of pipes. Lets not even get into YOUR extracurricular activities.
    advice-- avoid that stripper with the tiny left boob

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  11. AnonymousMay 4, 2011 at 7:48 PM

    Don't talk about what you don't know asshole. You know nothing about Emily Pukis, so find someone else to tear apart on your lame blog.

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymousMay 4, 2011 at 9:06 PM

    emily's the best, man!

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  13. AnonymousMay 4, 2011 at 9:32 PM

    It's funny that everyone thinks Emily's last name is actually Pukis.

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousMay 5, 2011 at 12:14 AM

    This shit is great. No, not the poorly written article but the fact that most of the people on here probably give a shit more then pistachio girl would.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Large DianeMay 5, 2011 at 12:47 AM

    Chill ya dumbass, Em is great and cleaner than u may think

    ReplyDelete
  16. AnonymousMay 5, 2011 at 12:07 PM

    sanity is overvalued

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  17. Nate MaasMay 5, 2011 at 4:38 PM

    Wow, Emily Youcis really doesn't come across as dangerous at all. The over-reaction in this article is ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
  18. AnonymousMay 5, 2011 at 10:08 PM

    haters makin her famous keep it up

    ReplyDelete
  19. AnonymousJuly 14, 2011 at 11:36 PM

    emily is cool

    ReplyDelete

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